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March 4th, 2006

Dizzy, I'm so Dizzy...

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I have been home from work, sick, for the past few days. This morning, I awoke feeling a little more human. Part of my difficulty lately has been a touch of vertigo, brought on by an upper respiratory infection taking up residence in my inner ear.

For those of us, and I guess that is most Americans today (sadly), who live life at top speed, racing from one commitment to another, frantically checking clock and calendar to ensure that this task and that task is completed in a timely manner, taking off work for illness is a strange business. I check in - surely they can't manage without me? I feel guilty because if I am well enough to check in, then surely I am well enough to GO in. I don't check in, and feel guilty because I'm not checking in. I ask others to take over certain vital tasks, as few and as small as possible - and still feel guilty. I should be the one taking responsibility. But it mostly piles up, awaiting my return. I try to do some report-writing in my less dizzy moments, hoping that my words make sense, and painfully aware that if I don't do it now, I'll be up late for every evening next week so I can catch up.

Meanwhile, the fatigue and the dizziness are overwhelming. The days pass like whispers as I try to focus, and then crawl off to bed, to sleep that dead sleep of the not-very-well. Time is less than logical. Some naps are long, some are short. And I don't feel quite here. But meanwhile, the dog must be walked, food prepared (for her and for me), and the dishes put away. And all the while, my surroundings are at a slight kilter, and I am yawning and weak.

So, today, I feel a little better, and am all set to return to the fray on Monday. To rush and rush and rush, with the days passing with a clatter and a bang.

I don't know which is worse.

I say, let's vote in a siesta time for all workers. Who's with me?

February 17th, 2006

I believe

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I write the following in the certain understanding that it may offend those who are Christians or who follow other religions of worship, although I fervently hope it doesn’t. But I want to declare it. I see many other bloggers who write of their beliefs, and I accept their right to do so. Beliefs bring comfort, at least that is the general idea, I think. My beliefs bring me some form of comfort, in that they are what seems right to me.

I have no belief in a supreme being. I have no belief in a deity. I have no belief in any person as an incarnation of a divine being. I have a belief in the spiritual connectedness of all human beings. I believe that we are all one in some profound way, and that there may be a greater force created by the unity we all have. I believe in the power of human love and charity, in the goodness that resides inside every human being, in the potential we all have for doing good. I believe that if we all shed our outer shells, we are sweet, giving beings, deeply and inevitably connected to one another. Those outer shells can be tough as shellac, and coated thickly by negative experiences, but underneath we are one. I believe in giving so that we shall receive. I believe in the teachings of many religions, but I do not believe in their foundations in a “greater power,” superior to us. Together as the human race, we are Power, and until we accept that, great ill can be and frequently is being done in the name of an entity that is “greater than us.” Such ills imply the superiority of one race over another, of one form of government over another, of one religion over another. Until we can all reach inside to that sweet, naked individual deep within all of us, and rip off those shells, we shall continue to be riven by the strife that is destroying our world. It means dropping our defenses, putting down our fists, and standing vulnerable before our fellow human beings. But when all are vulnerable, all are strong. All are equal. Therein lies the core of my egalitarianism.

February 4th, 2006

My heart is sick for the children.

The Los Angeles Times is running a series of features on high school students and the challenges they face to graduate from one urban school in this area. It is a fine piece of journalism. I urge you to look at it on-line, although there is a lot to read. I have found myself weeping as I read of the inner thoughts of these so-called tough kids and what they have to deal with. What their culture is. What the teachers and counselors are not privy to. What the politicians don’t understand – or maybe what they don’t care about. In this push to upgrade our educational standards (No Child Left Behind is a cruel and heartless piece of legislation) we are ignoring the individual circumstances of the children. We are failing to take into account what they are faced with as they grow up in this callous and thoughtless society. Counselors don’t have the time they need to spend with their students because of massive caseloads. Teachers have huge classes and few resources and no time. Parents work two or more jobs between them and don’t have the time to spend being parents. Kids are left to fend for themselves as best they can. And they haven’t been shown how.

On the other end of the spectrum are the parents who over-pathologize the children they have failed to raise appropriately. They decide that their offspring are emotionally disturbed, and demand that school districts and county mental health services pay huge fees to place them in residential care so that they can be given the tools they didn’t receive as little ones. Of course, some of the children are genuinely mentally ill and need the support of a residential facility. Most, however, are confused young people who do not have the tools they need to navigate all the traps of being a teen in today’s culture. As youngsters, they have been given altogether too much power over their own lives by parents who do not realize that children need structure, and rules, and boundaries as they grow up. Too many choices are confusing to children. Giving them power within limits is infinitely superior to providing them no limits and trusting they will develop good habits through osmosis. Simple battles over bedtimes escalate by the time the kids reach high school. Then they become battles over the use of crystal meth and promiscuous sex. At that point, the parents throw up their hands, decide that their teenager is mentally ill, and demand residential treatment – paid for by the state. People may wonder where the money for school books is going. Some of it is going to pay for these kids at thousands of dollars per month.

So we decide that the first group of kids is not worth saving – let’s get them out before they spoil their school’s figures. And the other group of kids needs to be shuttled off to a mental health facility.

I fear that we are failing our kids. We are looking at them as statistics, as playthings who get out of hand, as encumbrances. They are children. They need us. They need us to be parents. They need us to show them the way. More than ever, in a society that is open to the extent that it never has been before, that allows children to be exposed to adult concepts that teenage brains with only teenage experience cannot grasp appropriately without guidance and attention from us, they need us. And we are failing them.

February 2nd, 2006

To be continued...

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Still busy - so busy I can't see straight. And there are times I want to scream, "I CAN'T BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE!!"

But then I move on and keep on being all things to all people, because that is what they pay me to do. And that is what I want to do - most of the time.

But oh, I feel the warmth from you all. Thank you so much. Please know that it means the world to me.

What a wonderful on-line group you are.

January 25th, 2006

Oh My...

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...has it been so long since I last wrote an entry? My life is scudding by at a rate of knots and I can't keep up with myself.

I shall return as soon as I can gather my wits about me and focus on something other than my job. How nice that will be.

I shall return...

I shall return...

January 8th, 2006

Just Call Me Roger

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Enough of this navel-gazing. I thought I would lighten things up a bit and write about some of the movies I have had a chance to see over the past month or so. Having a son working at Blockbuster helped! He’s off to college in a few days, so the convenience will be over. I shall give them my review and offer a comment or two. Thumbs up is trademarked, so I shall give them a pinkies up or down. (I am being careful not to give away plots – I hate that about movie reviews.)

I’ll start with the movies I saw in the theater:

Brokeback Mountain – I had the book and lent it to someone – oh, how I wish I knew where it was. I guess I’ll have to get another copy. Beautifully filmed, brilliantly acted. Who knew that Heath Ledger, handsome boy-toy star of “The Patriot,” was such a fine actor? Jake Gyllenhaal has proved it over and over again, so that was no surprise, but Ledger was a wonderful surprise in his ability to show the depths of feelings a taciturn man is experiencing, just by his body language and the tone of his brief words. A sad, gripping story, great cinematography, good solid film. Pinkies up.

Syriana – Highly complex story about American involvement in the Middle East oil business and the government of the countries that own the oil. Sometimes hard to follow, but great ensemble acting and very gripping. Clooney is terrific. I really enjoyed it. Pinkies up.

Good Night and Good Luck – Stark black and white documentary style (in many ways) tale of Edward R. Murrow’s brave exposure of McCarthy and his posse. Excellent ensemble acting, riveting and tight story. Clooney is quite the man these days. (Still ever so cute too – I’m allowed to make gratuitous comments ‘cause it’s my journal!) Pinkies up.

Capote – Another hugely engaging movie. Philip Seymour Hoffman (long one of my favorite actors) is excellent and utterly believable as the rapacious Truman Capote, singularly focused on his book. But ah, at what cost? I didn’t know about his close relationship with Harper Lee, played by Catherine Keener in another good performance (she’s another of my favorites). I sat at the end of this movie and thought long about a man’s soul. Pinkies up.

Match Point – I so wanted to like this movie. The setting was very authentic, and some of the peripheral characters were terrific. Loved the Scot, who was utterly believable, and very funny – to me, anyway. Scarlett Johanssen is another one of my favorites, but I just wasn’t convinced by her here. I found the story a little trite, and the main characters pretty unlikable. More evidence of Woody Allen’s touted dislike of women, who once again don’t come out too well here. Didn’t work for me. Pinkies down.

The Squid and the Whale – Although I found the characters played by Jeff Daniels and Laura Linney quite unlikable (Jeff Daniels in particular – I wanted to wring his neck!!) this movie based on the true story of the filmmaker’s upbringing in the New York of the ‘80’s was utterly believable and involving. The young man was very authentic, and his younger brother quite the character. I recommend it. Pinkies up.


Now onto the DVD’s – and I should say that I rented DVD’s that I wanted to see, or that were recommended by my indie-movie-mad son, so the likelihood of them pleasing me was high!

Tarnation – an extraordinary documentary not unlike “Capturing the Friedmans” in flavor, that tells the story again of the filmmaker’s upbringing. This time, the young man started using a video-camera early on in his life, and he spliced together years of film, using only “imovies” and his Apple computer, for an absurdly small amount of money. It is very stylized in presentation, and recounts the story of his family life, his schizophrenic mother, his gay lifestyle, and the repercussions for his family and himself. The gay lifestyle is less relevant than the story of his mother. Quite brilliant. Pinkies way up – but don’t expect a conventional movie.

Queen Margot – Quite the opposite. Subtitled. A lush French costume drama depicting the Massacre of St. Bartholomew’s Eve in Paris in the 16th century, and all the accompanying court shenanigans. Isabel Adjani is luscious and her young man is mm mm mmm. Daniel Auteuil is, as ever, quite wonderful and convincing. A long movie, and very satisfying. Pinkies up.

Heaven – Made in 2002, from a script by Kieslowski (of “Red,” “Blue,” and “White” fame), and starring Cate Blanchett and Giovanni Ribisi. In English and Italian, with subtitles when necessary. An English teacher decides right at the beginning of the movie to take matters into her own hands when the carabinieri continue to refuse to respond to her letters and requests for help against the man who caused her husband’s fatal drug overdose. What happens to her afterwards is enthralling. Ribisi shows acting prowess I didn’t know he had. Blanchett, of course, is her usual marvelous self. Spare and stark, as is Kielsowski’s style, so if you don’t like movies like that, then this isn’t for you. Roger Ebert quarrels with the ending, but I find it sufficiently ambiguous that it makes sense for me. Pinkies up.

Mysterious Skin – Recommended by my son (as was Queen Margot), it is the story of two young men, each of whom has been molested at a young age by the same man. They have very different ways of handling it. The lead is played by Joseph-Gordon Levitt, who played Tommy in “Third Rock from the Sun.” He’s all grown up now, and a very good actor. Some disturbing scenes, especially for those of us who work with children. Very well-made movie. Pinkies up.

Things You Can Tell Just by Looking at Her – Originally made for Showtime, it stars Kathy Baker, Glenn Close, Cameron Diaz, Amy Brenneman, Calista Flockhart, Valerie Golino, Holly Hunter, and late Gregory Hines. A group of very loosely linked stories (VERY loosely) about women living lives without men, and how they handle it. Some excellent performances. Written and directed by a man, interestingly enough – but that man is the son of Gabriel Garcia Marquez – wow! (One oblique reference in the movie – watch for it!) Pinkies up.

The Ghost and Mrs. Muir – One look back to such a lovely, romantic movie. Rex Harrison has never looked so devilishly handsome, and Gene Tierney was just breathtakingly beautiful. George Sanders is his usual oily self to a T – a tremendously satisfying film that I have seen many times - and hope to see many more! Pinkies up!


OK, OK – lots of pinkies up – in fact only one pinkies down, and that wasn’t for want of trying! But I select my movies carefully, and don’t rent or attend movies I don’t think I’ll like.

This was fun!

January 2nd, 2006

O for Obstacles

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Blind Man's Bluff, by Fragonard


It seems strange to be starting a new year with this topic, but that is just how the series is playing out. And maybe it isn’t such a bad thing, for I can look at this issue with more optimism, more forthrightness, than I might in the middle of a year. Obstacles for me can seem immovable, yet when I am faced with a fresh start, they do not loom so large.

The rain is cascading down the windows of my condo. Strong winds that earlier were whipping the thin tree trunks bordering my building have eased, and the water is now falling vertically instead of in eddies. It never rains in California. Right. But when it does rain, it pours. Those poor young folks in the Rose Parade. Their mamas must have had a hard time watching them get a drenching.

I am cozied up inside with three movies to watch today. Yesterday I watched two. The day before, I watched two. Just call me Roger Ebert. I am stocked with food and wine, and my quiet place is set up and inviting. I have candles and I have books. The one dark spot is my dear dog, who is ailing. At 14, she is having trouble digesting food, and I am worried about her. But I shall watch her, and care for her. She has a thick coat and has no problem with the rain, so we have ventured forth a few times and gotten soaked – her pee is diluted immediately, so I don’t have to worry about leaving a mark on the sidewalk. The rain has its advantages.

Obstacles. When I was working in sales many years ago, and a Positive Mental Attitude was de rigueur, I would regularly be shot down by my manager when I would ask, “What if…?” In that dive-ahead milieu, there was no such thing as an obstacle. But my glass is frequently half-empty, to my chagrin, and it is all too easy for me to be brought up short when I feel threatened. That being said, when I absolutely have to do something, like walk away from my marriage, I dive ahead quite resolutely. But when things aren’t so clear to me, the obstacles have a way of surrounding me and obscuring my vision. I see no way out, so I sit and and feel overwhelmed. A cognitive approach has helped. When the sense of being overwhelmed isn’t suffocating, I am now able to work out, step by step, and devise a method of moving out of the slough of despond. The trick is to rise above the suffocation.

My aim this year is to identify and isolate the obstacles before they rise up to suffocation level. I have already begun by organizing some personal affairs so I am not wandering around in them like “it” in a game of “Blind Man’s Bluff.” The sense of relief is palpable - and surprising. I now feel in control. Time to take control of more areas, and shrink those obstacles down to a manageable size.

2006 is going to be ok.

December 31st, 2005

Auld Lang Syne

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A mixed bag it has been, 2005. I just took the dog for a walk and managed to put my finger in her poop as I was scooping it up in a plastic bag. Kinda symbolic! There have been good experiences in 2005 and yet there have been some more difficult times. I am ending the year battling a funk, and although I feel like I am gaining the upper hand, it isn't easy. All in all, it is probably a good thing that the year is closing.

On the other hand, as every year passes, my life moves on, and my time grows shorter. (I said I was in a funk.) I would like so very much to be able to bide a while and contemplate my life without the sense of pressure to fix all that is not working. I was in a major drugstore today, and they already had the VALENTINE display up! It took my breath away. We are galloping through time here.

I saw "Syriana" this afternoon. What a very good movie. And so profoundly depressing in its message. I love my adopted country, but oh my, we are led by some very arrogant people.

This evening I was finally able to set up the quiet place in my new home that I have so been wanting to create. Yesterday I found the piece of furniture that I have needed. It is just right, and was within the budget that I had allowed myself. I have assorted a small collection of items designed to soften my mind, and have carefully placed them as I would like to see them. And it is good.

Time for a new year. A year of one last push to get myself on an even keel and then, maybe, some smooth sailing.

December 27th, 2005

Christmas

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As those readers who have visited before know, I am no longer a Christian, but my celebration of Christmas is a deeply held tradition, from when I was one of four children who opened stockings on Christmas morning, then tumbled downstairs to look at the piles under the tree. We would eat breakfast and then attend church in our holiday finery. Back home to assemble in the formal living room (not usually open to children) and then Mum would hand out the gifts while Dad dutifully recorded the giver, the givee, and the present. An afternoon of playing with new toys, maybe a game or two outside in the snow if there was any, and maybe a long walk, bundled up against the raw Scottish winds. Then it was back home to dress again in finery and we sat down to turkey with all the trimmings. We would pull crackers, and laugh a very great deal, all wearing the silly paper hats we found inside the crackers, and reading the truly awful jokes that were also tucked inside. A warm, happy family day, the likes of which were not to be had any other day of the year.

Over the years, Christmas has dwindled in significance, but it has always remained for me a day to be spent with family, small though it has become. This was the first year I have ever gone without a tree. No decorations other than a tree-type ornament, 18" tall that I found at Target. One set of the friends who have come over every year for the past three or four Christmases were out of town. The other couple came over on Christmas Eve. We ate and then watched my Jeopardy shows on DVD. My older son, having just started work after college, was the low man on the totem pole, and did not get time off to travel home from the East Coast. My younger son worked on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. He came over after work at 6:30. The turkey was cooked, but I didn't bother with a lot of trimmings, and I didn't even make my famous sherry trifle this year. We played a board game and then watched "When Harry Met Sally," which he had never seen. It was a nice, warm evening, very quiet. My son stayed over, then he left the next morning, and the dog and I were on our own again. I took a couple of naps.

All kind of flat really, with no expectation of any difference for New Year. That's ok. I'm catching up with some reading. Just finished "Elizabeth Costello," by JM Coetzee. Wow, he says a lot in that, and I'm not sure I agree with everything he says, but would need to think hard to refute it, and the brain is kinda fried right now. Have just moved on to "Platform," by Michel Houellebecq, a gift from the aforementioned younger son. It promises to be very good. Maybe that's all I need over this break from work. A little bit of an escape from the daily grind. While Christmas didn't provide it, maybe a foray into fiction will do it.

Happy New Year when it comes (a Scottish superstition - have to add those three last words until the New Year rolls in).

December 26th, 2005

Ten things...

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I was tagged some time ago by Paula(http://journals.aol.com/paulajlambert/PaulaLambert-Author/), but have not returned to my journal for some time. Maybe this will put me more in the mind to write more:

Ten things that make me happy:

1. Laughing with my sons

2. Walking in the hills in the sunshine with a warm breeze stirring the air

3. The smile on a child’s face when I have explained something that makes sense to her

4. Sleeping for eight hours

5. Finding “le mot juste”

6. Reading fine prose and poetry

7. Writing acceptable prose and poetry

8. Feeling loved

9. Listening to my favorite music, ranging from Clapton to Sibelius to k.d. lang to Rossini, etc.

10. Not being sad

December 12th, 2005

Dead Line

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They're going to kill Tookie Williams tonight, at 12:01 a.m. A non-scientific poll on msn.com contains two statements, namely "Yes: It's the proper justice to be exacted against convicted killers" or "No: It's a barbaric retribution that has no deterrent effect." They have received over 175,000 responses, with 74% voting "Yes" and 26% voting "No."

Talk about numbness. I am saddened, disappointed, and deeply, deeply frustrated. We are the only Western civilzation (and I use the term loosely) to condone and administer capital punishment. Clemency, guilt or innocence have nothing to do with it, in my opinion. If we say in our law, as we do, that it is wrong to kill another human being, then it is wrong to kill another human being. And the clinical precision, the rehearsals, the delegation of responsibilities! There was a long article in the local paper at the weekend, detailing all the final steps. I read it and was sickened. I won't shut my eyes to it and pretend it isn't happening. Because it is. Tookie Williams has become a real person in the press, a three-dimensional human being. And we are killing him tonight.

We're getting very good at killing people - or maybe we always have been.

December 11th, 2005

N for Numbness

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It is so long since I wrote an entry that I have almost forgotten how.

Time is such a precious commodity, and how it is consumed by things that matter to others!

Today I write of numbness, that inviting balm for all of life’s ills. But it is not only a balm. It is also a damper of elation, a smotherer of joy and excitement.

It is my bane.

Raised in an atmosphere that shunned any grand or even minor displays of emotion, my sensitive spirit developed coping strategies, and the greatest of all was denial. Love, enthusiasm, fear, anger, all were required to be hidden and not expressed. So where did they go? “Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.” The Pink Floyd lyrics certainly fit this Brit. Instead of processing what was occurring inside, I turned away from it in an effort to conform, the greatest British talent. So numbness became a way of life. Boisterous enthusiasm that I had evinced as a child was frowned on, so it was tucked away except on rare occasions when it would burst through, and then I would be embarrassed. Fear and anxiety would sometimes also peek out, but I had no way of addressing them, no words to process them, so they, too, would be suppressed, to lead later to black depression.

I look at what I missed by embracing numbness. I look at what I miss now by falling back into old habits. I see that it could have its place in soothing pain, in helping a person accept bad news and process it unconsciously. But other than that, it works against me. And from time to time, I wake up and find that I have lost several days, weeks, months of true sensation because I have been caught up in the daily grind, in addressing material things, in the craziness of this consumer society.

My visit to Esalen in September blew away all vestiges of numbness and it was beautiful. I could see, hear, feel. I was myself without pretense. In the months that have elapsed, the numbness has crept back, like the fingers of fog that roll in from the ocean on cold winter nights, to be blown back from time to time to reveal some less pleasant feelings. On those days, it is oh so tempting to let the mists roll right in and envelop what ails me. But what am I losing by doing that? I am losing my ability to understand myself. I am losing the chance to feel the joy and enthusiasm that makes up a large part of who I am. I am losing myself. Pushing back the numbness is an effort, and requires awareness and mindfulness. Time to get out the wind machine and blow away the clouds. I want to be able to access the joyous spirit that lives within me. And I shall.

November 18th, 2005

John Lennon

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I guess he's on my mind a lot. On December 8 it will be 25 years since we lost him. There was a Dateline NBC show about him and Mark David Chapman this evening - not tremendously good, and a trifle over-dramatic - but all the film of Lennon, hearing his voice, hearing his words, his defiance, his bravery, his honesty, and the truth he spoke, all of that made me so very aware of the void that has followed his murder.

Who do we really have now who is brave enough and visible enough, with enough integrity, with enough charisma, with enough dignity and enough credibility...

TO TELL THE TRUTH???

Unvarnished, straightforward, without bs, just the truth.


I wept tonight as I said goodbye to him again. And I will again. That is certain.

Requiescat in Pace, John. You deserve it.

November 16th, 2005

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

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THIS WAS PUBLISHED IN THE LOS ANGELES TIMES TODAY - don't tell me there is no such thing as synchronicity. I hadn't thought of him in a very long time, then mentioned him in my last entry as a favorite poet from my youth.


COPYRIGHT LOS ANGELES TIMES 2005
The Beat Goes On
Lawrence Ferlinghetti helped give voice to an enduring movement.

By Anne-Marie O'Connor, Times Staff Writer


IN 1957, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, a poet and publisher at a tiny storefront called City Lights Books, was ordered into the Hall of Justice here on obscenity charges after police officers from the juvenile department turned him in for selling a slender volume, "Howl and Other Poems," by an obscure poet named Allen Ginsberg.

In a decision that surprised authorities and delighted Ferlinghetti, Judge Clayton Horn ruled that a work could not be deemed obscene if it had "redeeming social significance." The legal precedent paved the way for the U.S. publication of a raft of contemporary classics, from "Lady Chatterley's Lover" to "Naked Lunch" and "Tropic of Cancer"; Ginsberg's poem "Howl" ushered in the American counterculture.

Today this cultural icon — Ferlinghetti, at 86, is a rangy, 6-foot, vigorous-looking presence — sits in his upstairs office at City Lights, explaining his mixed feelings about accepting a lifetime achievement award tonight in New York from the National Book Foundation when so many Beat poets were passed over by the literary establishment. Not that Ferlinghetti is eager to join.

"Allen Ginsberg was a major force in American poetry and he never got much recognition from the literary establishment. He never got a Pulitzer, he never got a Nobel Prize," Ferlinghetti said, lounging in blue jeans and a black sweater against a wall of windows with a sweeping sunset view of cafes, bars and glowing strip-joint lights in North Beach.

"I think it's an honor, but I still consider myself a dissident," he said, his arresting blue eyes gazing brightly from a kind and surprisingly smooth-skinned face.

Ferlinghetti is one of the last living poets of the Beat generation. He was San Francisco's first poet laureate. When he becomes the first recipient, in New York, of the Literarian Award for Outstanding Service to the American Literary Community, he will be honored for something for which he himself takes pride: his 50 years as anchor of the hole-in-the-wall Beat bookstore that helped reshape the language of American modernism.

Ferlinghetti still works at City Lights. He just co-translated a book of poetry by the late Pier Paolo Pasolini. He rides his bike to work every day from the small apartment near Washington Square Park where Ferlinghetti, who divorced in 1970, lives alone, though he's talking about getting another dog to replace his beloved late companion, Pooch.

He still paints, at his studio in a shipyard at Hunter's Point. On his wall at home, his painting "The Death of Neal Cassady at San Miguel de Allende" alludes to wilder days, when hard-living Beats were fueled by drugs, alcohol and mind-expanding travels.

In this world, Ferlinghetti is a celebrity. Strangers recognize him on the street and stop to talk to him. There is a Via Ferlinghetti near Café Trieste. City Lights is an official city landmark, bordered by an alleyway called Jack Kerouac Lane.

"I keep telling people I wasn't a member of the original Beat generation," Ferlinghetti said. "I was sort of the guy tending the store."

This from a guy whose praised poetry collection "A Coney Island of the Mind" has sold a million copies, and keeps on selling.

"My poetry had a very different aesthetic," he insisted. "The Jack Kerouac school of disembodied poetics is 'first thought, best thought,' where you write down the first thing that comes to mind, to get close to the essential being of yourself," Ferlinghetti said, referring to the author of "On the Road" and "The Dharma Bums."

"My poems were not written that way," he said. "I think it can sometimes be 'first thought, worst thought,' unless you have an original genius mind like Allen Ginsberg and everything that comes out of that mind is interesting." With less original minds, he said, the method produces "acres and acres of boring poetry."

Ferlinghetti came by his original mind the old-fashioned way, through a Dickensian childhood. It began in South Yonkers, N.Y. By his account: He was the fifth son of an Italian-born father, who died before he was born, and a mother of Caribbean Sephardic lineage who suffered a post-partum breakdown so severe that the week-old Ferlinghetti was handed to a French aunt.

He lived with his aunt in France, then spent his sixth year in a Chappaqua orphanage, until his aunt found a job as a live-in governess for a member of the family that founded Sarah Lawrence College. They lived in the servant's quarters until his aunt left the house and never returned. He later heard she died in a mental institution.

Ferlinghetti resided with his aunt's employers until he went to college and the Navy. He got a literature doctorate from the Sorbonne on the GI Bill and moved to San Francisco at 32.

The Bay Area was filling up in those days. There were World War II veterans who didn't want to go back to Texas or Tennessee. Black Americans who left the South for wartime shipyard jobs. Interracial military couples who sought camouflage in a multiethnic society.

"There was a whole historical and social mix in flux in the 1940s and '50s," Ferlinghetti said. "It took 10 years for it to really coalesce into the new culture. That was really the beginning of the hippie movement."

The core Beat movement — Jack Kerouac, William S. Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg — began to drift from New York to the West, to flirt with Buddhism, Big Sur and mind-bending experiences. Ferlinghetti credits Kerouac with popularizing the Beat name with his rap about living beatifically, "not really in a religious sense, but more in the sense of having a free spirit and having a sort of visionary consciousness."

Ferlinghetti founded City Lights in 1953 with Paul Martin, the son of an assassinated Italian anarchist and editor. He discovered its first significant work in October 1955, when he went to the Six Gallery to see Ginsberg read his incendiary poem "Howl," an existential rant that opens with the line: "I saw the best minds of my generation…."

City Lights published "Howl" in November 1956, in a tiny paperback edition. But it was a ticking time bomb.

"American poetry until then was very academic," Ferlinghetti said. "It was ruled by literary journals. It was pretty tame poetry. ['Howl'] was a little like the rock revolution. 'Howl' was a turning point."

Authorities heard the explosion. In June 1957, police officers from the juvenile department, apparently moonlighting as literary critics, arrested City Lights' manager, Shigeyoshi Murao, for selling "Howl." Charges against Murao, a Japanese American who endured an Idaho internment camp for two years during World War II, were dropped.

But Ferlinghetti and the bookstore were prosecuted. The American Civil Liberties Union defended him, and City Lights unrepentantly sold "Howl" throughout the trial.

When the judge ruled in their favor, "the floodgates were opened," Ferlinghetti said.

"When you have a trial like that you get a lot of notoriety that really puts the poet and the bookstore on the map," he said. "It was just what we needed."

San Francisco hosted a Beat renaissance, nourished by such poets as Kenneth Rexroth, Gary Snyder and Michael McClure. There were female Beats as well: Carolyn Cassady, Joyce Johnson, Joan Vollmer and Diane di Prima, whom Ginsberg proclaimed "a great woman poet" — language that would eventually be viewed as a reflection of Beat sexism and misogyny.

"I felt that Allen was really afraid of women, probably going back to his childhood experiences with his mother, who was in and out of mental institutions," Ferlinghetti said. "Allen tended to look through women."

It was a raucous fraternity. Gregory Corso once broke into City Lights and plundered the cash register, something Ferlinghetti chose to interpret as an advance on royalties. Burroughs became a junkie, married Joan Vollmer and killed her in a drunken re-enactment of the William Tell story in Mexico City in 1951, trying to shoot an apple off her head, that was ruled an accident. Cassady's south-of-the-border sojourn ended with his death in San Miguel de Allende in 1968.

Ferlinghetti, too, dove into the '60s, reading poetry between Jefferson Airplane sets at the Fillmore. He smoked marijuana, tried LSD a few times, but "I didn't want to take any of the harder stuff. I didn't want to punish my mind and body like that," he said.

Besides, he was running a business, and in that milieu, his stability was an element of his genius.

"A lot of his contribution was the store itself. Larry provided a place where people could come together, and he took on the court cases," said his fellow Beat poet Di Prima. "He is a unique individual who provided the opportunity for people to express their feelings."

The Beat generation, she said, "opened people's eyes to the amazing and difficult culture that America is. It's because of this populist approach that people like Ginsberg didn't get more awards, but their message reaches the people they need to reach. What do awards mean? There's no answer to that. I say, yeah! Go Larry go."

Ferlinghetti is still a quiet firebrand. He's repelled by the growth of consumer culture. Since 9/11, he says, "civil rights are more threatened than ever before." As he watches the Valerie Plame affair, he thinks: "Why not indict Bush for a major crime — lying about the weapons of mass destruction?" His great regret, he said, is that he did not remain married. His ex-wife lives in Bolinas, in Marin County, near his son and two grandchildren. His daughter, Julie, lives in Nashville with her husband and their child. Ferlinghetti will spend Thanksgiving there. "If I had stayed married, I might have had a more settled life," he says.

His true home, according to his friends, is City Lights. The bookstore operations are mostly run by City Lights publisher and co-owner Nancy Peters, the widow of poet Philip Lamantia. It has never been very profitable, so they are creating a foundation to make sure its legacy lives on.

Where does the Beat legacy live on? Ferlinghetti sees it everywhere, disseminated in popular speech, in contemporary ideas, in modern music and prose.

Today, "poetry is more or less restricted to poetry journals," he said. "I think the real poetry today is with music. Bob Dylan was a real poet. There's the poetry of folk singers, bluegrass and country-western. Rap poets are more alienated from society than the Beat poets ever were, and they have a lot to say. That's where the poetry is that isn't sidelined today."

Not that he has ever felt sidelined in the creative counterculture.

"The dominant culture of technology and big business and big government is not the important lasting culture of our civilization," Ferlinghetti said. "The important culture of our civilization is the literary and artistic and intellectual culture. That's the mainstream, and I'm proud to be part of that."

COPYRIGHT LOS ANGELES TIMES 2005

November 13th, 2005

Just for Fun - 30 Questions

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Lady Nancy Astor, the first female British MP


This has been jigging around the journals and I thought I'd join:

1. What sign are you? Libra

2. What is your favorite color? Yellow

3. How many waffles could you eat in one sitting? Probably two

4. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No, but my sister’s first boyfriend, Gregor, could. What a party trick!

5. If you had to choose between cats and dogs, which would it be? Dogs

6. What is something you have learned recently? To let my kids live their own lives.

7. What is your favorite quote? Lady Astor: "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea. " Winston Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it".
And I just found this one from Lady Astor: "We're not asking for superiority for we have always had that; all we ask is equality."

8. What is your favorite entry in your own journal? The Luigi story, probably

9. What color is your bedroom? A warm, lovely yellow

10. Where is your favorite place to visit? Mountains, clear cool air, bright sunlit mountain meadow, wildflowers, snow-capped peaks

11. What is one thing you want to accomplish this year? More financial control

12. Why do you write in a journal? Because Theresa told me to – and because it has become a compulsion

13. What is your favorite joke? One fly turns to the other and says, “Your mans are undone” - at least I can tell that one here – never mind the rest.

14. Do you like the city or the country? Have to live in the city – love to visit the country.

15. What style is your house decorated? Hah! Target and hand-me-downs, largely

16. Who is your favorite artist? Frieda Kahlo at the moment – depends on my mood

17. Can you pat your tummy and rub your head at the same time? Yes, but only in the same rhythm – don’t call on me to play the drums..

18. Are you a night owl? Nope. I crash when it gets late.

19. What is something you love in your house? My sideboard that I had shipped over from my parents’ house in Britain. It’s dark, solid oak and very old. Carved game and fruits on the doors and drawers. My parents bought it for 35 pounds at an auction when I was little. I really should have it appraised some time.

20. Do you believe in God? Not as such.

21. What hobby could you never give up? Walking in the hills

22. What color makes you think of Hope? Yellow

23. What color makes you think of Love? Deep throbbing red

24. What is your favorite flower? Sunflower

25. If you had one wish for the world, what would it be? Tolerant understanding of another’s point of view

26. What’s the best surprise you have ever received? A special friend calling me from the hospital to tell me he was going to be okay after a horrendous accident in which he had been involved

27. What can you cook like no-one else? Sherry trifle

28. What do you think about most? During the week, my job. Weekends, how to adjust to life

29. Who is your favorite poet? Arthur Rimbaud (exactly 100 years older than me, to the day) but I love the poets I read in The Sun – Alison and David in particular (not that Esalen biased me one bit!) Loved Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton in my youth, and Thom Gunn, and Ferlinghetti. And what more can be said about Rumi? OK, that’s too many, but tough.

30. And last but not least, if you could wrap yourself up in one word...what would that word be? Serendipity – a beautiful word, a beautiful concept

November 12th, 2005

M for Mystery - Part II

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And then there is the mystery of human connections, human relationships, human interactions. With my psychologist’s hat on, I could ramble on about association, assimilation, survival, pheromones, etc., etc. But I do believe there is more. Plato’s Symposium contains these lines:

“Each of us when separated, having one side only, like a flat fish, is but the indenture of a man, and he is always looking for his other half….And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and would not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together; yet they could not explain what they desire of one another. For the intense yearning which each of them has towards the other does not appear to be the desire of lover's intercourse, but of something else which the soul of either evidently desires and cannot tell, and of which she has only a dark and doubtful presentiment. Suppose Hephaestus, with his instruments, to come to the pair who are lying side, by side and to say to them, "What do you people want of one another?" they would be unable to explain. And suppose further, that when he saw their perplexity he said: "Do you desire to be wholly one; always day and night to be in one another's company? for if this is what you desire, I am ready to melt you into one and let you grow together, so that being two you shall become one, and while you live a common life as if you were a single man, and after your death in the world below still be one departed soul instead of two-I ask whether this is what you lovingly desire, and whether you are satisfied to attain this?"-there is not a man of them who when he heard the proposal would deny or would not acknowledge that this meeting and melting into one another, this becoming one instead of two, was the very expression of his ancient need. And the reason is that human nature was originally one and we were a whole, and the desire and pursuit of the whole is called love.” (tr. by Benjamin Jowett)

I think this is a beautiful explanation of the mystery that exists between lovers, the very essence of soul-mates. The melting into one another to become one. For isn’t that what happens in long and successful relationships? The two people grow together and become one union, even though they may continue to lead very individual lives.

But there is more, so much more in human interaction. How about friendships? Business partnerships? Teacher and pupil? What is it that attracts us to another human being, that draws us into the company of any one particular person, whether it is for business or pleasure, or for spiritual feeding? And what is it that brings us into the presence of those people to whom we are drawn? What was it that brought me to pick up a copy of “The Sun” magazine, ten days after my hysterectomy, that brought me to “Blue Velvis,” Theresa’s story with the very theme of the loss of one’s womb? If I had not read that story, had I not e-mailed the author to congratulate her and tell her how synchronous it was that I should have read it when I did, I would not be writing this now. I would not have gone to Esalen. Maybe I would not be writing at all.

I cannot pretend to understand the workings of us humans and of our souls, but I celebrate that we have souls, that we make connections, and that synchronicity exists. I have yet to find my “other half,” and maybe I never will, but I am happy with the interactions I have, the connections I have made and continue to make. It’s a beautiful, mysterious journey, as I wend my way through the world.

November 10th, 2005

M for Mystery - Part I

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Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn’t hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

Imagine no possessions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I’m a dreamer,
but I’m not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one



I worry about dogma. I feel threatened by doctrine. I truly don’t believe there is such a thing as “What Is.” As soon as there is a What Is, there is by definition a What Isn’t. And there arise division, acrimony, negativity. And there can never truly be a consensus, a peace, harmony.

I believe in Mystery. I believe that we cannot ever know What Is. But I do believe that there is likely something greater than us that is beyond our understanding. I believe we are all, as human beings, connected to that something greater, but in a way that is beyond our grasp. We function on one plane, very successfully in many ways (though tragically poorly in others), and there may be the occasional fortunate individual who can transcend that plane and reach beyond, but how can he or she ever explain that to the rest of us without our already having the ability to transcend it ourselves? This is about as far as I can go: by the very fact of our connectedness as human beings, we are all one, but how or why, or how we are to honor that – is a mystery. We have our own ideas, our own beliefs, but if we get too caught up in the rightness of those ideas, we become exclusive of those who do not share them.

I LIKE mystery. I like the idea that there is something beyond us. And this from the journaler who in a recent entry celebrated knowledge! But I also said that I don’t believe in spiritual knowledge. Yes, I believe in questing and searching. Yet that mystery forever remains. And how beautiful that is. Science explains how we are here. How we arose from the slime, crawled out of the primeval ooze and became the tall upright creatures we are today. How we developed our minds. How we learned to use what we have, to discard what we don’t need. What a beautiful and incredible journey it has been for mankind, despite all the rough, agonizing side trips we have taken and continue to take into wars and unspeakable cruelties. Yet we are here. We have spawned Mohandas Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Albert Einstein, Nelson Mandela, John Lennon, Joan of Arc, Mother Teresa, William Shakespeare. But WHY are we? Aye, there’s the mystery.

In our daily lives, we can develop a sense of why. We are here to raise our kids. We are here to help others. We are here to direct traffic, sell stocks and bonds, color hair, write poetry, run a country. But in the overall sense, there remains the mystery.

Why are we? What a beautiful, unanswerable question. A deep, impenetrable, swathed in mist mystery. The infinite unknown that we can never grasp, conquer, hold. Something eternally beyond us mere mortals.

Or maybe there is nothing. Maybe there is no why. Maybe we are just are. A trick of biology. And that, too, is a mystery – for we shall never know on this plane. If there are other planes, maybe we shall penetrate those mists and discover, but not in this life, not now, not here.

Meanwhile, I like to Imagine, along with Mr. Lennon. One mystery is how we can reach that Eden. If it’s on another plane, I can’t wait to get there. Especially if John is there. I miss him.

November 7th, 2005

L for Living Alone

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Virginia Woolf




I have never lived alone before now. I grew up with three siblings, two parents, and a cat. I went away to college and lived in a dorm. I shared an apartment for a year after I graduated. Then I got married. Then I had two children and two dogs. Then I got divorced and took the two children and the two dogs. Now my two children have left, one of the dogs has died, so it is just us two old bitches.

It’s a novel experience. One I yearned for when I was young, uncomfortably sharing a room with my little sister, who didn’t so much snore as click as she slept. It drove me crazy. I would lie in bed at night, light sleeper that I was, saying firmly, “S*****, blow your nose. S*****, turn over.” Etc. My parents could hear me in the next room, and, I learned later, snicker.

I have written before about my fears of being alone. Of returning home at the end of the day to dark and empty rooms. Of rattling around on my own and becoming a weirdo who talks to herself all the time. Or to her deaf dog, expecting a reply. And about the little pleasures, such as eating directly out of the carton (what WOULD my mother say!) or walking around naked when the temperature permits.

But I am realizing that the pros and cons go much deeper. My life has been a series of transitions over the past eleven years, and this is possibly the culmination. I am done with the family thing, in the most immediate sense. It’s over. Hard to accept, now that my son has returned from Europe, but he is living with his father till he goes off to college after the holidays. As such, he is a like a visitor in my cramped new quarters, quarters that are unfamiliar to him and not a home he has returned to. So my new digs are me and mine alone. They are for me to inhabit and make my own. For me to personalize. And for me to create a home base out of, a place to come home to and a place to launch myself from at the beginning of every day. On the surface, I am gradually making them my own, by organizing and decorating and fixing up. More internally, however, I am learning to be a free spirit, to come and go as I please, to operate in a way that works for me. To ask myself at the beginning of every day, what is it I have to do today, and what is it I would like to do today? And then to start to ask myself what it is I want out of life, now that I am not responsible for the lives of two young men.

Someone asked me the other day where I expect to be in two to five years. I gave an honest reply. I said I had no idea. This culmination of transitioning is taking me…where? I worried, thinking that I should develop a Five Year Plan like politicians do. Like the USSR had – but then they are no more. A slightly more attractive proposition is to live in the moment, trying to live responsibly all the while, and let fate take me where it will. But how sensible is that for a woman of my age? Shouldn’t I be Planning For Retirement? Setting Something Aside? Saving For A Rainy Day? Not Overstretching Myself? I’m not young any more, and am painfully aware that I can’t leap around like I used to, I get tired just a little more quickly, and my knees hurt when I run. Maybe that is all the more reason for me to seize the day. To do what I can now, for heaven knows, it ain’t gonna get easier.

Virginia Woolf wrote about having A Room of One's Own. I should count myself lucky, by that standard. I have Several Rooms of My Own. Woolf wrote "a woman must have money and a room of her own if she is going to write." I want to write, I feel myself drawing ever closer to having the confidence to complete and reveal and share what I write. Woolf recognized the need for alone time, for time to call one's own, with no demands from others or for making a living. Of course I need to make a living. And I do. But now, without the demands I had on my time before my kids were up and out, I can focus on the writing when I am at home. And that is a luxury. All I need to do is to take the dog out to pee and poop from time to time. Otherwise, my time is mine.

I went up into the hills yesterday. It was cloudy and the view was foreshortened. But the sunset glowed through the striped clouds on the western horizon, and I gazed at the beauty around me. And I was at peace. I think the thing to do is to be mindful and to live life as she takes me forward, trying to make good decisions along the way. I shall live on my own not defensively, but openly, expansively, and I shall follow my heart.

November 2nd, 2005

K for Knowledge

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Factual Knowledge

My search for knowledge began when I was young. I remember longing to have an Encyclopedia Britannica in the house. When a question came up, I always felt hobbled by the fact that we had a woefully inadequate one-volume encyclopedia that just didn’t cut it in my eyes. I want to know things, and I want to know them NOW. How I love Google. How I fret if I can’t look something up. With Google, I can look up how long a movie is. I can look up John Lennon’s birthday. And I can look up Samhain, whose beautiful chant appeared in Robin’s journal recently. I can look for pictures of exactly where the solar plexus lies. I can look up directions to an address. I can look up the side-effects of a new prescription drug.

Knowing things makes me feel comfortable. If I encounter something I haven’t heard of before, I have to research it, look it up, understand it. Maybe it’s an inferiority thing. Maybe it’s simply curiosity. And the oddest things pop into my head from time to time, things that I have looked up. The longest non-scientific word in the English language is floccinaucinihilipilification (the art of estimating as worthless). At least it used to be the longest. John Lennon was born on October 9, 1940. The solar plexus, also know as the celiac plexus, lies behind the diaphragm. I just like to know things.


Spiritual Knowledge

For me, there is no such thing as spiritual knowledge in the sense that I know spiritual truths. For me, there is spiritual exploration, spiritual theorizing, spiritual questioning. But they are still important. For me, spirit is what I sense, what resonates for me in what I read by teachers such as Ram Dass and Jack Kornfeld and the Dalai Lama. And by Margaret Wise Brown. (The Runaway Bunny still makes me cry.) And in old stories like the Pueblo Indian tale of Arrow to the Sun. It isn’t knowledge. Rather it is intuition, synchronicity, sensitivity.


Self-Knowledge

Ah, the most acute kind. What hard work that has been. After an illness some ten or eleven years ago, I entered a phase of self-exploration that has continued until now and will keep me on that path for many years to come. My burgeoning self-knowledge has come at considerable cost, to both me and mine. Self-knowledge led to the dissolution of a long marriage. And that dissolution was not easy for anyone involved – such things never are, of course. Self-knowledge forced me to abandon (reluctantly in many cases) old tenets and beliefs that had comforted me, even thought they were not congruent with who I am. The comfort came from the familiarity, but all the while they were gradually wearing me down, rubbing me raw. So I stepped out into the void, minus the handrails of known patterns and habits. The pain and fear were suffocating for some time, but after a while I developed a level of excitement as I discovered who I really am. I revealed to myself the individual who is at the center of this being that I carry with me on my daily rounds. I have learned that I have an opinion, and that I don’t have to run it by others before I voice it. I have learned that I can manage on my own in my own place. I have learned that I can raise my sons, and I can study for and become successful at a new and demanding career. I have learned much about my assets, and about my shortcomings too. I have learned for instance that I have a deep dislike of financial planning and that therefore I need help and support with that. I have learned that I can’t be good at everything and that’s ok. Finally, I am developing knowledge of who I am. What power! To be able to know who I am and therefore how I can relate to others, and even maybe where I might fit in the world. A heady sensation indeed. And even though my self-confidence slips from time to time, that is really a surface issue, for meanwhile underneath I am constantly growing in self-knowledge. And that brings me excitement, satisfaction, and (sometimes!) peace. And a deep, rolling sense of fulfillment.


And PS: My son returned from Europe today, safe and sound and hairy and wonderfully healthy and jet-lagged as all heck. I am a happy momma indeed.

November 1st, 2005

Strawberries

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While I work on my knowledge, I want to share something written by a poet I had the good fortune to meet and be instructed by during my fabulous sojourn at Esalen. Alison Luterman is quoted in Jack Kornfeld's book, "After the Ecstasy, the Laundry." She writes:

"Strawberries are too delicate to be picked by machine. The perfect ripe ones bruise at even too heavy a human touch...Every strawberry you have ever eaten - every piece of fruit - has been picked by callused human hands. Every piece of toast with jelly represents someone's knees, someone's aching back and hips, someone with a bandana on her wrist to wipe away the sweat"

The mindfulness evoked by this piece of writing is quite beautiful, and I wanted to share it. And thank you, Alison, for the profundity of your thoughts and language.
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